As many you may already know, some controversy has arisen over a comment my client, Justin Bieber, made in the guest book at the Anne Frank House museum. I wish to set the record straight: by writing that Anne Frank would hopefully have been a “belieber,” Mr. Bieber did not mean any offense whatsoever to Anne Frank’s legacy, the Holocaust, or guest books in general. Rather, Mr. Bieber was following the official policy of his management company, Goldstein-Hirohito Entertainment Management and Fish-Processing Consortium. Here at GHEMFPC, it is our firm belief that Mr. Bieber’s unique brand of catchy dance-pop and smoothly androgynous good looks are not just appealing to today’s young female demographic but would have won over literally every girl throughout human history.
For example in the summer of 1918, Bolsheviks suddenly and brutally executed the captured royal family of Tsar Nicholas II, including his four teenage daughters Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia. Had Mr. Bieber been a pop icon in the early 20th century, surely all of the Tsar’s daughters would have thought, “if only I could hear the chorus of ‘Baby’ just once more,” just as the realized they were about to be shot and stabbed repeatedly.
In 1692, 14 women were hung in Massachusetts, in the Salem witch trials. Of course, had these women seen just one of Mr. Bieber’s topless photos, they would have walked towards the gallows fearful of being damned to hell yet comforted knowing that somewhere out there Mr. Bieber was doing doing sit-ups, near a pool.
It almost goes without saying that we believe that Joan of Arc would have been considerably awed by Mr. Bieber’s hypnotic dance moves. Instead of having visions of god telling her to liberate France from the yoke of English suppression, Joan would certainly have had a vision of Mr. Bieber grinding up behind her. As such, Joan of Arc would have never gone on to make war on the English but instead would have lived out her the rest of her life peaceably in her local village, quietly pleasuring herself in a meadow.
- Shamus Goldstein