Jacob Samuel
Cartoonist, Writer, Comedian, and Potential Fraud
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About
- Short BioJacob Samuel is a Canadian cartoonist, writer, stand-up comic, and Oxford Comma enthusiast. In 2012, he published his debut book, which Bite.ca ranked as one of the top 25 funniest books of the year and was praised by Superbad co-writer Evan Goldberg. Jacob writes, cartoons, and is a founding editor of the popular comedy website Nearly Robots. He currently lives in Vancouver where he comprises one half of the stand-up duo WHY? Stand-up."Jacob tries to be like Woody Allen, but if Woody Allen was Jewish" - Jordan Cohen (the other half of WHY? Stand-up)
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Tweets
- Dear @TOMayorFord, which wrestling title belt do you wear around your neck?May 22, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- What did the polite customer say to the spice merchant? Thank you for your thyme *jumps off of glacier*May 22, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @HipBang: WHY? Hip.Bang! Show tonight at 9. Vancouver, this is the second last time to see us perform before we leave on tour!!! WOOOOOA…May 22, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- #Vancouver want to hear some shocking theories about Rob Ford? Come to this comedy show tonight https://t.co/sMTLm6Hz2KMay 22, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I'd love to draw a comma on this sign http://t.co/OhPj63T96d
- RT @nearlyrobots: So embarrassing that those crack dealers have a video of Rob Ford smoking up. It's like, who would actually hang out with…May 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Does anyone remember the nationality of Rob Ford's alleged drug dealers? What was it again? I'm not sure if the media ever mentioned it?May 17, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- The irony is that until today we all thought that a "Rob Ford crack video" would involve some kind of belt mishap.May 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- David Beckham is a soccer player?!?!May 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- The biggest fraud you can perpetrate on society is being a false Messiah who opens a vintage clothing store.May 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Still wondering what would've been had we prevented the McKinley assassination.May 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @nearlyrobots: 4th place in our Write Funny, Get Money, Kyle Farnum wants you to be prepared for your eventual life as human garbage htt…May 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @nearlyrobots: Why is the beaver sad? It will break your heart. http://t.co/QWmt4psY96May 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Hey #Vancouver come check out the hottest comedy show on Main street tonight that still isn't on fire https://t.co/ALxVKmEzhPMay 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Thanks LinkedIn! Could've used this 2-years ago BEFORE I wrote a 24,000 word thesis http://t.co/1FvBLKNmfMMay 15, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @jimmydbarnes: Stand up @eightandahalf restaurant Monday May13 9pm // $5 w/ @grahamclark @ben_mcginnis @kylesbottom @jacobfsamuel , my…May 13, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Has the slang term "leaf-blower" ever been used to describe a Toronto hockey groupie?May 12, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- The adult equivalent of a kids b-day party with no friends is a guy DJ-ing in an empty room.
- RT @nearlyrobots: Tonight @comedybar, stand up with Ivan Decker and his new pals. The show begins at 8pm. Tix available at the door. http:/…May 09, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Posts
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Posts
- A Letter from Justin Bieber's Manager
As many you may already know, some controversy has arisen over a comment my client, Justin Bieber, made in the guest book at the Anne Frank House museum. I wish to set the record straight: by writing that Anne Frank would hopefully have been a “belieber,” Mr. Bieber did not mean any offense whatsoever to Anne Frank’s legacy, the Holocaust, or guest books in general. Rather, Mr. Bieber was following the official policy of his management company, Goldstein-Hirohito Entertainment Management and Fish-Processing Consortium. Here at GHEMFPC, it is our firm belief that Mr. Bieber’s unique brand of catchy dance-pop and smoothly androgynous good looks are not just appealing to today’s young female demographic but would have won over literally every girl throughout human history.
For example in the summer of 1918, Bolsheviks suddenly and brutally executed the captured royal family of Tsar Nicholas II, including his four teenage daughters Olga, Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia. Had Mr. Bieber been a pop icon in the early 20th century, surely all of the Tsar’s daughters would have thought, “if only I could hear the chorus of ‘Baby’ just once more,” just as the realized they were about to be shot and stabbed repeatedly.
In 1692, 14 women were hung in Massachusetts, in the Salem witch trials. Of course, had these women seen just one of Mr. Bieber’s topless photos, they would have walked towards the gallows fearful of being damned to hell yet comforted knowing that somewhere out there Mr. Bieber was doing doing sit-ups, near a pool.
It almost goes without saying that we believe that Joan of Arc would have been considerably awed by Mr. Bieber’s hypnotic dance moves. Instead of having visions of god telling her to liberate France from the yoke of English suppression, Joan would certainly have had a vision of Mr. Bieber grinding up behind her. As such, Joan of Arc would have never gone on to make war on the English but instead would have lived out her the rest of her life peaceably in her local village, quietly pleasuring herself in a meadow.
- Shamus Goldstein
- Short Summaries of Famous Movies
Woman unable to appreciate buoyancy of door.
– Titanic (1997)
Businessman re-interprets the drinking of milkshakes.
– There Will Be Blood (2007)
Former soldier uses sports career to re-unite with family.
– Gladiator (2000)
Father with severe speech impediment gets son to help with family business.
– The Godfather (1972)
Despite miraculous technology, young man makes no attempt to prevent World War II or slavery from ever happening.
– Back to the Future (1985)
Single ring leads to the unleashing of the most evil forces imaginable in a fantastical world.
– Bride Wars (2009)
Prison guards never think to look behind large suspicious poster.
– The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Detached ex-boyfriend given easy exit from love triangle.
– The Dark Knight (2008) An article I wrote that’s still as relevant today as when I first wrote it, this morning.
- Top Five Worst-Dancing US Presidents
1. FDR
2. William Henry Harrison
3. Woodrow Wilson (post 1919)
4. Dwight D. Eisenhower
5. William Howard Taft - Future Quentin Tarantino Screenplay Ideas
Title: Jacques Brun
Setting:1970s Montreal
Plot: an unemployed French Canadian takes vengeance on Anglophone businessmen
Weapon: A soggy crepe
Title: Kill Many Men named William
Setting: 1880s South Africa
Plot: a group of Zulu warriors take vengeance on British colonialists
Weapon: Rhinoceros catapult
Title: Flightless Death Hell
Setting: 17th Century Mauritius
Plot: a single Dodo bird takes vengeance on colonial hunters
Weapon: flaming machete
Title: Holy Berzerker!
Setting: 11th Century Northern England
Plot: A previously non-violent Monk takes vengeance on the Viking invaders
Weapon: a holy relic that is also a bazooka
Title: Steve of the Cross
Setting: Height of the Roman Empire
Plot: A Christian vigilante takes vengeance on the Roman Emperor and his administration
Weapons: Good deeds, forgiveness, and bear mace
Title: The Gospel of Marmaduke
Setting: Noah’s Ark, during the “great flood”
Plot: A unicorn left behind to drown takes vengeance on Noah and his family
Weapon: nunchucks
Title: Crowbar Magnon
Setting: Neolithic Europe, during the last ice age
Plot: The last group of Neanderthals takes vengeance on Homo Sapiens
Weapon: smoked salmon
Title: Call Me Rex
Setting: 65 Million years ago, just after a single asteroid causes the Earth’s last mass extinction
Plot: A lone surviving T-Rex travels into space and takes vengeance on asteroids
Weapon: a crossbow - 10 Things that are Difficult About Maturing
1. Seeing a best friend turn from someone you see everyday to an abstract electronic phantom you occasionally e-mail and fail to Skype with.
2. Understanding that your parent’s career advice is both horribly depressing and absolutely correct.
3. Deducing, based on the successful relationships of your exes, that it really is not them—it’s you.
4. Discovering that while money does not guarantee happiness, it really really really helps.
5. Realizing that because your main skills lie in playing around with spreadsheets, you will never ever have a job that sounds impressive to anyone.
6. Concluding that no matter how many neckties you wear, you will not meet attractive members of the opposite sex as frequently as you did in college. Even if you wear six ties at once with a flaming bow tie around your forehead, it’s not going to happen.
7. Reminiscing about what it used to be feel like to be proud of the fact that you could masturbate.
8. Acknowledging that handshakes now vastly outnumber high-fives.
9. Watching a movie, made by someone younger than you, of a better version of a screenplay you once promised yourself you were going to write.
10. Desperately hoping that, this weekend, you don’t get invited to any parties. Guess it’s time to take down my inspirational poster of Lance Armstrong shooting up.
- My book is now for sale on Amazon
Click here to go to the Amazon page! Or check out my e-store!
What’s inside you ask?
- 160 hilarious single-panel cartoons
- 6 short humor essays
- a golden ticket to a magical factory full of chocolate-based fear
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Join my Mailing List
- Every few months I'll sent out JUST ONE e-mail about stuff I'm doing in comedy. It will contain hilarious content that will not be available elsewhere. Hopefully you won't be annoyed when you receive it.
